You can also feel lonely in a relationships. This happens when there is no trust, emotional warmth and attachment. Your partner seems to be immersed in himself all the time, does not notice your problems and needs. Perhaps, there was no proper upbringing by his parents when he was a child. But there can be other reasons as well.
Is this situation familiar to you? You may have a husband, children, home. You may have a permanent job, friends, colleagues, relatives and close people in your life.. But, for some unknown reason, the feeling of loneliness is also there, or at least appears periodically.
Why is loneliness in relationships
What is behind the loneliness in relationships? Chances are, your partner avoids intimacy and this is the reason for your feelings of loneliness.
To begin with, what kind of relationship can be called truly close and deep one?
A true, healthy and high quality relationships is made up of the following:
- TRUST. People trust each other when they are not afraid to tell something about themselves, or talk about “skeletons in the closet.” Trust iswhen you know that your partner will not be scared, will not run away from the relationship, will not blame you, ridicule you or show sarcasm. When you trust each other, you dedicate to your partner a part of your life, without trying to control who he communicates with and what he does. You trust him, you know that nothing terrible will happen. In such a relationship, there is no betrayal or any other trouble. For example, your partner can go to the gym alone, and you can go to dancing or painting classes, but you are not jealous of each other because of your activities. This is a truly trusting relationship.
- EMOTIONAL CLOSENESS. The next sign of a healthy relationship is when you are emotionally close to your partner. You easily share emotions and feelings, and support each other emotionally. You feel each other’s mood, and you understand what your partner needs at this very moment.
- PARTICIPATION IN EACH OTHER’S LIFE. A relationship will be healthy and normal if you participate in each other’s life. This is when you ask your partner to participate in your life in some way, and he does not refuse, but gladly helps you as much as possible. If he cannot, then he gives you advice on how to solve an issue without him.
- SHARING TIME TOGETHER. The next criterion for a close relationships is when partners spend time with each other. You cook dinner together, take a bath, go to the cinema, walk in the park, visit together and spend the weekends together. You are interesting and fun together, you feel happy in each other’s company. You have no need to rest and go on vacation separately from your partner. You have common goals, your life values coincide, and you can negotiate.
- SEXUAL SATISFACTION. An important criterion, satisfaction in intimate life. If you or your partner are dissatisfied with your intimate life, you do nothing to satisfy each other, and your intimacy suffers, it will lead to alienation from each other.
- SPONTANEITY. This means you openly share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In close relationships, a person allows himself to be spontaneous. If you have a thought, desire, idea, you immediately say it, and you have no fear that your partner will devalue it or dismiss it as nonsense.
- ACCEPTANCE. In a close relationship, people accept each other’s flaws and feelings. You love the smell, touch, sensation, voice, and all interactions with your partner.
- VALUES. Most of your values are the same. It is impossible to create a healthy family or partnership if your partner is a religious fanatic and you are an atheist, or if he is a heavy smoker and you lead a healthy lifestyle. Some values may differ, but this should not be the case with most of them. For example, you like lying on the beach but your partner is an active person . In this case, you can go together to a resort where there is a beach and nearby you can go diving or climb the mountains.
- OBJECTIVES. In a close relationships, partners have common goals. Each partner has their own separate goals, but there should also exist common goals. For example, both partners want more than two children. Or both want to buy an apartment or build a country house. Certain goals must coincide: where to live, how many children there will be in the family, what kind of education the children should get.
If your relationship shows most of the above mentioned characteristics, then you are lucky, your relationship can be called truly close and you are unlikely to feel lonely.
Now, let us talk about the signs which can help you determine that your partner avoids closeness and intimacy.
Loneliness in a relationship appears due to the fact that one of the partners is not ready to have a close relationship. Anyone who is ready for intimacy, but does not receive intimacy, will experience loneliness. There are reasons why one of the partners may avoid close relationships: he or she grew up in a family where there was no trust and love, he/she had a close relationship before, where he/she was deceived and mistreated, he/she believes that intimacy is a weakness, etc.
One of the most common signs that a partner avoids close relationship is workaholism. Let us elaborate:
- Your partner can work 12 hours a day, on weekends, he works on a rotational basis, he is absent from home for several months.
- A woman pays attention only to children and neglects her husband.
- One of the partners goes gets ill, and he/she is preoccupied with treatment.
- One of the partners spends more time and energy on friends, relatives, or his hobbies, and does not pay attention to his partner.
- Also, avoiding intimacy, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction.
- Constant provocation of conflicts is also a sign of avoiding intimacy. A partner may cause a conflict or an argument in order to avoid closeness.
If you notice at least one of the signs in your relationship, then you have a reason to think.
There are reasons why a person avoids intimacy in a relationship. They may be as follows:
There were no close relations in the family, they never received enough love from their parents, they could never express their feelings and emotions, so the person who starts a relationship does not understand what the partner is missing what his/her needs are. The person has a different picture of the world. Only a family psychotherapist can help here, and this usually requires a long treatment.
The person may have received a punishment from his/her parents for showing feelings, sincerity and openness and the punishment often came in this way:
- they slapped him when he spoke the truth,
- he was punished or ignored when he cried or expressed joy,
- he was not encouraged to express the real feelings that enable people to feel truly close to the person they are in contact with. And now he has a fear of expressing feelings, creating intimacy, as he thinks that there will be a punishment, misunderstanding or ignoring for doing this.
The person believes that the manifestation of sensuality, empathy and closeness is a “weakness”. They think that the manifestation of feelings makes them weak, and weak people do not achieve anything in life. Here as well, the cause can be childhood traumas. Depending on how strong the false beliefs are, one cannot do without a psychotherapist and it is recommended that a person starts with psychotherapy.
The fear of having a close relationship, because if I become close, then I have to talk about all my secrets and desires, and then my secrets will be used against me.
Although friends and relatives can help here, it is still needed that a person visits a psychotherapist. The person needs to understand that intimacy in a relationship does not mean that he has to tell about everything he thinks or feels – it is trust and understanding that in any moment, he can share his experiences with the loved one.
Another reason for avoiding closeness in a relationship are painful experiences in previous relationships. The person is trying to avoid getting hurt or left again, because the pain of parting is much greater, it makes them vulnerable. They are afraid that close relationships will end in breakup again, so they’ d rather have a formal relationship than go into a close one.
Only a psychotherapist can help to overcome such pain, and help the person understand that the fear of creating new close relationships deprives him/her of the opportunity and hope for possible intimacy and pleasure in love.
If your partner has left the relationship – it does not mean that you are the bad person. It could be his program and his script.
Conclusion: In any case, support and work with a family or personal therapist will accelerate the process of healing, coming out of loneliness and forming a closer bond with another person.
Written By Tyara Wolf
Psychology and Personal Development